What Focus?

somehow i convinced myself to stop blogging.  i began feeling that there was no purpose to this blog.  no reason for people to check out what i write.  i wasn't offering any tips, advice, recipes or giveaways.  most blogs i come across have a specific direction.  but i couldn't find mine.  i don't even know if i tried.  i wrote because i thought and i felt and wanted to share.  i first thought i'd share silly bits and special finds. wrong. no laughter, some tears.  although...joy and pain are almost the same and so today i write for me!

Chanukkah '87, a classic home video, recorded during a family get together.  It is truly one of the best examples of our extended family gatherings.  reality tv at its best! last night my aunt vivi, my cousin liz, and i watched it together.  how different the world looks today.  too much has changed, been lost, or forgotten.  i felt like a martyr wanting to watch over and over the scenes with my father.  wishing to hear his voice, see his gestures, movements, and expressions.  since he passed i sometimes look through old photo albums and some of his things that were kept, but not a video.  film. the art of human connection.

The Creative Cycle

The Drawing Machine by Joseph L. Griffiths. Holy genius.

Following Up

Yesterday I met with the Japan-trip group for a "follow-up meeting." While the intention was to lesson plan and share academic resources, it turned out to be a picture-sharing, Facebook-tagging, jam session.  Awesomely wonderful to reunite, chat, giggle, and gossip.  I felt kind of funny seeing everyone in a separate life. Alien.  For three weeks in July we were twelve people; one unit.  Gluing ourselves to one another we learned each other's insides and outsides.  Truth, beauty, laughter, intellect, humor, weakness.  As foreigners in a novel land, we traveled in a shared experience.  Leaving Japan saddened me, but parting from our group challenged me.  Back to life. Back to reality.   Consumed for months with weekend study sessions, language classes, preparatory shopping, and delightful anticipation, returning home let me down.  And now?

Blogging. Moving. Dreaming. Sharing.

Upon Arrival

It's Friday July 2nd, and I just spent the first day of my trip visiting different temples and shrines in the city of Kyoto.  It took close to twenty-four hours to arrive here.  After being crammed in a middle seat for thirteen hours we landed in Tokyo and then took two trains before reaching our hotel.  Completely exhausted and hard to concentrate during the tour.  I think it's gonna take a couple of days to settle in here.  Just bought a ton of water from a seven-eleven as not to repeat today's mistake of not coming prepared with own water.  Completly dehydrated in this insane heat!  I thought New York and Miami were humid- nothing like this! 

But the food is great.  We had a very special vegetarian lunch at a temple.  I have neverhad such unique textures, flavors, and prepaations of vegetables.

My eyes are closing and my thoughts are incomplete.  Under the covers I go.

Oyasuminasai.

Japan Bound

It is time.  I'm leaving for Newark airport in 30 minutes and am completely excited, nervous, anxious, and nauseous.  Last night two of my amazing friends from school came over and we got a little too happy drinking Sangria and chatting about the year.  Not feeling my most glamorous self this morning.  Whatever.  Totally worth it.  

Luggage packed. Room cleaned. Me dressed.  Japan bound.

Ittekimasu New York!

Drenched

The last days of school are here and i'm experiencing complete and utter attachment to my kids! NOOOO!!! Don't leave me! I'm the first to acknowledge all the ups and downs over these past ten months, but still I can't let go.  Friday was the eighth grade's Moving Up ceremony and as I watched my first class graduate, I felt just as elated as they did.  Total parental moment.  When one of my students, an artsy, quirky, and often neglected kid, received an award to honor her achievements over the past three years in the after school program, little puddles dripped down my face.  Completely consumed with joy.

The seventh grade student and teachers went on 2,000 trips over the past two weeks.  Like many overcrowded schools in NYC, our school's space is limited.  While the high schoolers took their Regents exams, middle schoolers were gently forced out of the building.  In turn we went on every possible free trip you could bring eighty high pitched, dramatic adolescents to in Manhattan.  Exhaustion is an understatement.  Impossible for me to move my legs once home.  To tell the truth though, and if you know me you're aware, I'm still very much a kid. Basically I tired myself out.  Extremely hyper as I played along with them and encouraged team spirit and competitiveness.  It is true i've learned that I am a competitive person (unaware during my childhood).  As you can imagine all the bonding time spent together increases my attachment,  causing our end of days together to be even more traumatic.  Don't get me wrong- I cannot wait 'til I depart for Japan! (three days away ahhh)

The examples below exhibit the time my students thought it was a great idea for me to share their fun as they poured water on me and held me in the sprinklers at the park.  Ok in the moment it was awesome- but I was so drenched I had to cancel my after school appointment, go home, and wash myself off!

A kid with adult responsibilities :) 

Happy Children's Day!

My mind has been wandering about Father's Day for some time now.  Somehow I convinced myself that it was to be celebrated last Sunday. Also I'm reminded that my Father is no longer here, with me.  Truth be told my sisters and I never made a big deal about it.  Mother's Day always took precedence, which in fact hurt our Father.  It's said that Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day and some others were created by the card companies.  Mother's Day always felt appropriate; to recognize a mom's unappreciated dedication to her family.  But Father's Day? Wasn't it a date put on the calendar so our fathers no longer felt like soar losers?

Traditionally this makes sense.  Certainly growing up we gave our Dad a mini birthday in June.  If by chance my sisters' or I had prior engagements (June is testing season)- his feelings were hurt!  My Dad was a sensitive guy.  I did not understand this during my frustrated, traumatic adolescence.  Still I felt protected and loved him to pieces.

All year Sundays were our Father's Day.  He worked hard, routinely went to the office in morning, but ensured we shared time together during the afternoon.  Even as a college student we went to museums, zoos and rode bikes on Sundays.  Fun or boring we did it anyway. And my Mom was always there to make sure he was well fed and that we LEFT!  Of course I miss him and think of him constantly.  But I know he was a good father.  The way a father should be.

My Father's Day is different from my Students' Father's Day and many kids today.  Sadly Dad's are not always around so today encourages spending time with children.  At school on Friday I overheard two kids talking about all the fun activities they were planning for today.  And I realized that Father's Day is now important in a new way.  Not to appreciate a Father.  For a father to appreciate his children.

Yes I am bittersweet today.  But I wholly wish my students' dreams are fulfilled today and that their unique qualities are celebrated.

Happy Father's Day!  Happy Children's Day!  Daddy I hold you in my heart.